The Heavyweights

Top 100

The most upvoted Chuck Norris facts in the archive. No algorithms hiding the score — the crowd decides.

All-Time Rankings

100 Legends

01 Champion

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

02 Runner Up

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

03 Third

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Forty seven times.

04

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

05

Chuck Norris can dry his hair under water.

06

Chuck Norris' OSI network model has only one layer - Physical.

07

Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.

08

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

09

Chuck Norris caught a bullet by blinking.

10

Chuck Norris could use anything in java.util.* to kill you, including the javadocs.

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11

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

12

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

13

Chuck Norris has won the lifetime achievement award...twice.

14

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

15

There is no Esc key on Chuck Norris' keyboard, because no one escapes Chuck Norris.

16

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

17

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always answers "Two seconds till". After you ask "Two seconds to what?", he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

18

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

19

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

20

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

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21

Chuck Norris once sold eBay to eBay on eBay.

22

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

23

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

24

Chuck Norris can access private methods.

25

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

26

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

27

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

28

Chuck Norris can play Xbox 360 with a PS3 controller.

29

Chuck Norris irons his trousers with them still on.

30

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

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31

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

32

In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"

33

Once Chuck Norris and Superman had a competition. The loser had to wear his underwear over his pants.

34

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

35

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

36

The French talk to Chuck Norris in English.

37

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

38

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

39

The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

40

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

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41

Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

42

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

43

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

44

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

45

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

46

Jaws stays on the beach when Chuck Norris swims.

47

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

48

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

49

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

50

Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

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51

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

52

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

53

Chuck Norris doesn't use Oracle, he is the Oracle.

54

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

55

Chuck Norris doesn't turn on his faucet, he stares at it until it cries.

56

Chuck Norris can hear the speed of light.

57

Chuck Norris was the reason E.T. went home.

58

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

59

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

60

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

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61

Guns are warned not to play with Chuck Norris.

62

Chuck Norris does not code in cycles, he codes in strikes.

63

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

64

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

65

When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.

66

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

67

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

68

It works on my machine always holds true for Chuck Norris.

69

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

70

Chuck Norris programs do not accept input.

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71

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

72

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

73

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

74

Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

75

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

76

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

77

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

78

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

79

Chuck Norris runs laps around his opponent, in a drag race.

80

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

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81

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

82

Chuck Norris breaks RSA 128-bit encrypted codes in milliseconds.

83

Chuck Norris programs occupy 150% of CPU, even when they are not executing.

84

According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

85

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

86

The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

87

Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.

88

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

89

Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.

90

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

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91

Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.

92

Some people can piss their name in to snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name in to concrete.

93

When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message "Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?"

94

Chuck Norris can tie his shoe while running.

95

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

96

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

97

There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

98

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

99

Chuck Norris can't test for equality because he has no equal.

100

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.