Undefeated in Everything

Chuck Norris Sports Jokes

Chuck Norris has never lost a game, a match, a race or an argument with a referee. In this collection you'll find the jokes that prove it: touchdowns scored from the parking lot, marathons finished before the start gun, and a very short account of what happened the one time someone challenged him to chess.

These sports and fitness jokes are ranked by the community. They're popular with coaches, gym-owners and anyone who has ever needed a push-up joke, and the fitness ones are a nod to the real Chuck, who spent decades selling America on the Total Gym.

Bring one to your next fantasy league draft. Actually, bring several.

The Collection

36 jokes

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message "Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?"

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

Chuck Norris once arm-wrestled himself ... and won.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a hole. Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

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Chuck Norris Sports Jokes

The Collection

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Jaws stays on the beach when Chuck Norris swims.

Chuck Norris runs laps around his opponent, in a drag race.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.

When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message "Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?"

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

Chuck Norris once arm-wrestled himself ... and won.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

Champions eat wheaties for breakfast. Chuck Norris eats champions for breakfast.

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a hole. Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Submit a Chuck Norris Sports Jokes entry

The Collection

Submit a Chuck Norris Sports Jokes entry

One Chuck Fact.Every Morning.

One Chuck Fact.
Every Morning.