Nature Documentaries Lie

Chuck Norris Animal Jokes

Every apex predator on Earth has one thing in common: a very short, very cautionary story about the day it met Chuck Norris. Grizzly bears, great white sharks, king cobras and at least one T-rex all feature in this collection, usually as the loser.

These are the archive's animal and nature jokes, ranked by the community. They're broad, visual and almost always clean, which makes them some of the most shared facts on the site. They also pair well with our meme generator if you want to put one over a picture of Chuck staring down the camera.

Dinosaur jokes get their own sub-genre here, mostly explaining why there are no longer any dinosaurs.

The Collection

61 jokes

Chuck Norris caught a bullet by blinking.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris' co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

Faster than a speeding bullet... More powerful than a locomotive... Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... These are some of Chuck Norris' warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird.

In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

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Every fact in this collection was submitted or curated by fans. Add yours and our moderators will file it here if it fits.

Chuck Norris Animal Jokes

The Collection

Chuck Norris caught a bullet by blinking.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris Let The Dogs Out.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris' co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

Faster than a speeding bullet... More powerful than a locomotive... Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... These are some of Chuck Norris' warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird.

In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris can write multi-threaded applications with a single thread.

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

No statement can catch the ChuckNorrisException.

Chuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assert.

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

Submit a Chuck Norris Animal Jokes entry

The Collection

Submit a Chuck Norris Animal Jokes entry

One Chuck Fact.Every Morning.

One Chuck Fact.
Every Morning.