The Timeline Has Been Corrected

Chuck Norris History Jokes

According to Chuck Norris facts, most of recorded history is a cover-up. The dinosaurs didn't go extinct; they made a mistake. Fire wasn't discovered; it surrendered. And the Roman Empire fell for reasons that have nothing to do with economics.

This collection gathers the jokes that rewrite the past, from prehistory to the moon landing, ranked by the community. History teachers tell us they use them as attention-grabbers, and we believe them, because nobody forgets who "really" built the pyramids after hearing it here.

All dates in this collection are disputed. All disputes have been settled.

The Collection

136 jokes

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

« Previous
Next »

Showing 1 to 25 of 136 results

Got a better one?

Submit a Chuck Norris History Jokes entry

Every fact in this collection was submitted or curated by fans. Add yours and our moderators will file it here if it fits.

Chuck Norris History Jokes

The Collection

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Chuck Norris caught a bullet by blinking.

Chuck Norris could use anything in java.util.* to kill you, including the javadocs.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once Chuck Norris and Superman had a competition. The loser had to wear his underwear over his pants.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

Submit a Chuck Norris History Jokes entry

The Collection

Submit a Chuck Norris History Jokes entry

One Chuck Fact.Every Morning.

One Chuck Fact.
Every Morning.